I’m okay with being single. Really, I am. You should be, too.

One of the questions I’m asked most often when returning home goes something like this: “So, Alex…any ‘special’ girls in your life?” The more I hear it, the more I laugh internally when it is asked.

It’s not that I don’t understand the question — I do. It makes sense that a young, single person surrounded by other young, single people may have their eyes open for a significant other. It’s also not that I don’t have my eyes open for anyone else — there are definitely people I notice, and I don’t necessarily feel called to a life of celibacy. Besides, my mother wants grandchildren (I told her to adopt a retired racing greyhound if she wants to love on something new, but she didn’t buy the idea).

The commonality of the question of dating (and consequently, in Christian circles, marriage) tells us something about our culture, though. We’ve taken relationships, dating, and marriage and glorified them to the point where they are not only encouraged, but assumed. “Are you dating somebody?” has become a pretty safe question to ask a young adult — nobody (myself included) takes offense or is really shocked whenever another posits it to them. But even its answer, in my case, often takes an apologetic form — “No, not right now [unfortunately], but we’ll see what happens, I guess [I promise I’ll find somebody to date soon, just for you/the rest of society].”

Here’s my question: Why does the question always seem to be about dating? In my view, society has inflated the value of romantic relationships — particularly those among college students, but also among everyone. Looking at the situation from a pros-and-cons perspective, singles both young and old have it going on — mobility, financial independence, the ability to have truly singular focus on something important to them…the list goes on. Personally, I am doing just fine without a girlfriend. I value the freedom and flexibility afforded to me by singleness. Career-wise, I have the ability to go anywhere and do anything after graduation, an option not as readily available for my contemporaries in long-term relationships (or married).

Of all the experiences I have had while away at college, all the things about which I have learned, all the memories I have made, the topics of dating and relationships probably rank somewhere near the bottom of the list. Some people might not be okay with this for their personal lives, but I see it as one of the best things about my time at school to this point. I get four years to do college, but I get the rest of my life to do dating/relationships/marriage/etc. While I’m not actively avoiding romantic relationships, I see the general lack of their existence during my college experience as being extremely beneficial to my ability to learn, grow, explore the life of the mind, and figure my own life out.

Our apparent preconceived notion as a society that dating is always better than being single is detrimental to our ability to understand ourselves as individuals. It may sound selfish or egocentric, but I think it’s fair and viable to value personal development, comfort with oneself as a person, and freedom above the security that comes with romantic relationships. Call me crazy, but I believe that not dating somebody is the best possible thing to do for myself right now. Maybe the same is true for some other people reading this. Regardless of whether you are a student, young professional, or find yourself in a more advanced stage of life, the idea that you need to be in a relationship is incorrect. Remember that our socially constructed ideals are not always optimum — especially on the individual level.

Even if you just know that you don’t want to spend the rest of your life alone, consider the following: enjoy being single. You do not have to begin your search for love and romance right now just because you can. Maybe the only reason you’re enamored with the idea of having a boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, or husband is because our culture says that you need one (and need one right now) in order to be as “valid” or “socially advanced” as those who do have one. This is not true. Right now, if you are single, take a breath and understand that your life might currently be more free, open, and exciting than it would ever be if you were in a committed relationship. Dating is good. Marriage is good. Being single is equally as good as both of these.

I’m okay with being single. Really, I am. You should be, too.

17 thoughts on “All By Myself

  1. On top of all that, love is pretty scary. If you don’t watch out, it’ll break you. One thing I don’t miss about being in a long-term relationship is that vulnerability. Falling in love with someone who may or may not want to be with me for the rest of my life is not a comforting idea that I want to re-experience anytime soon. Being single ain’t that bad; it’s not as great as falling in love, but it’s definitely not the worst. It all depends on how you want to look at it. Could I be single for the rest of my life? Sure. If I chose to. As you say, we’re young. You can find love at any age these days, so we shouldn’t really sweat it.

    • What’s really disconcerting about that vulnerability you’re talking about is that fact that it can appear to be so secure. I never would have expected that the one long-term (2+ years) relationship I’ve been in would end the way it did (pretty unceremoniously, actually), but it did – and it happened quickly. In some ways, too, I think being single is better than falling in love. It’s hard to compare the two; they’re in completely different categories, so it’s important to appreciate each for what they are depending on the season of life you’re in.

  2. They are both equal because they are both valuable experiences. When you’re single, you learn how to love yourself and be able to have that freedom that you talk about. You don’t feel like you need to impress anybody, and that’s a pretty amazing thing. Being single, I can do whatever I want without being judged. I could pursue women if I want and it could be morally acceptable (I’m taking a break from relationships for about a year or so), and I have more flexibility in my schedule. Now that I have weekends to myself, I can spend Saturday and Sunday doing whatever I want. Being single is great; especially after I got my heart broken 3-4 months ago. However, being in love was an amazing experience as well. Just because it ended doesn’t mean it wasn’t amazing at some point. Before I got into a relationship, I actually wrote a poem about Valentine’s Day being this kind of holiday for businesses making profits. Valentine’s Day is a great example of what is wrong with our society in regards to love and romance.

  3. Good perspective. I think a lot of people miss out on friendships because all their time was spent with one person. However it is true that it could be more difficult to find someone you are interested in after leaving college just because people have their careers evolving/ you aren’t in close proximity with people your age with similar interests. Overall though, it is a good reminder and you are absolutely right about parents holding dating/marriage as the end result of any “successful” college career for their son/daughter.

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